When we read a book we all love a happily ever after. After the toil and strife which makes the plot exciting, the heroine gets married and becomes Mrs Charming. We can all laugh and joke about the after story. It's a bit like Mr and Mrs Incredible. They got married at the beginning of the story, so what happened next? Mrs Incredible got worn down looking after the kids, her bum got bigger; Mr Incredible got fed up of his job in insurance and went behind her back to find some excitement in life, secretly saving the world. So begins the marital crisis, but their marriage survived.
Interesting how the story ended. Just as they were about to go back to family life, after getting rid of Syndrome, the Underminer appeared. They had another mission to complete. So really, there wasn't a happy ever after. They moved to another stage in the journey, together. Their relationship was forged because they had something in common; being superheroes. Saving the world meant they did something together which reinforced a positive sense of identity.
For a period during their marriage, they weren't allowed to be superheroes. Mrs Incredible feared being sued so strictly prohibited her family from being superheroes. Mr Incredible lost himself so completely, he had to go behind her back to stop himself becoming depressed. She was frustrated too but at least she could use her superhuman powers in the home when she needed to keep the kids in line.
So what really kept this marriage from falling apart and how does it relate to the real world? Good relationships are forged on having things in common. Whether it's a hobby, similar belief or attitude, sharing this common ground reinforces a positive sense of identity. What's crucial to marital success is also that your individuality is also not questioned or challenged by your spouse. You and your partner can pursue individual interests, and when you reunite as a couple, you respect and show interest in what your other half has done.
Having a positive sense of self gives you a positive sense of being a couple when in a relationship. I've said before that love can be a destructive force which binds you in to a dysfunctional relationship. Inevitably, having your self-esteem battered should force you to leave. People do stay in relationships where their partner knocks them down constantly and sadly, low self-worth, a kind of bully-victim dynamic can work towards keeping two people together.
I'm looking at the positive relationship dynamic. Mrs Incredible had to make a sacrifice in order for her marriage to work. She had to accept her husband's need to be a superhero and renege on a judgement. By doing so, she rediscovered herself. Mr Incredible too had to compromise. Part of his positive sense of identity resided in his need to be the family protector. This, however, disempowered his wife. He had to learn that she needed a part in saving the world too.
The Incredibles scenario fits in with Social Identity Theories of relating. Each member of a couple has to have a role and have agency within that role. The whole Incredible family have different super human attributes. Any world saving endeavour that requires stretchy limbs is her department; anything that requires super strength is his. When put together, it is formidable. It's important though that he doesn't encroach on her stretchy limb territory and she doesn't try to be super strong. A meteor is heading for earth, that's for you honey. Oh, somebody's fallen off a multi-storey building. Reach out honey.
Respect, then, is the key ingredient to forging lasting love. Letting the other person have their expertise and admiring them for what they are good at is crucial if a relationship is to sustain longevity. Common ground is key and as much as doing things together can provide a solid foundation, respecting the other person's individuality is just as important.
http://www.amazon.com/Beneath-Perfect-World-Hannah-Graham/dp/1492850268/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1402645724&sr=8-1&keywords=beneath+the+perfect+world
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