Why do people cheat?

I've had a few interesting responses to my post, 'Is it okay to cheat on your spouse or partner'. The general consensus is 'Why would you cheat', and 'Leave your partner first'. It is the right thing to do but it is also an ideal world scenario. Infidelity is a clear sign there is something wrong in a relationship. Not all couples have the equanimity required to talk through and resolve issues in a level headed way. Poor communication is the biggy when it comes to breakdowns. When I was writing 'Beneath the Perfect World' my editor said there is an imbalance of power in most relationships. The emotions which bind us into relationships are not always a good thing. Love is not a good thing if it locks you into a dysfunctional relationship. Such emotional ties are founded by childhood relationships. My editor reckons if there is a bully and a victim in a room full of people, they'll find each other. Still, if your partner treats you badly, get out. That's a tough call if he or she has battered your self esteem into the ground. Perhaps if you haven't got the strength to leave your other half, you haven't the strength to resist an affair.

Adultery is still the biggy though when it comes to breaking marriage vows, but actually, now I think about it, it wasn't in my marriage vows. No, I said, 'I promise to care for you, to give you my love and friendship and to respect you and cherish you throughout the rest of our lives together.' Being faithful is just a given. Historically, it was punishable by law and in some countries still is. It is enshrined in religious doctrine, hence it's enmeshed in cultural belief systems.

If there is so much cultural, social and religious opposition to adultery, why do people do it? A sex worker I knew said her male clients didn't only come to her for sex. Sometimes they would see her and not have sex. They'd just talk to her. As much as they loved their wives, they found themselves unable to connect with her, have an understanding with her. Why did they marry her?

People change. As you grow older, you move away from being the socialite you were in your youth and look for other ways to find fulfilment. You have new interests and perhaps the person you married when you were in your early twenties doesn't change in the same way.

There's also enormous social pressure to stay with your spouse or partner. I heard one unhappily married man say he wouldn't leave his wife because his parents would disown him! Really? Can the will of parents determine whether or not someone remains in an unhappy situation.

I said before we're pretty naughty as a species. We carry fears of reproach set by the discipline regimes imposed by our parents into adulthood. This dynamic can also work in a marital relationship. Adultery can unleash the rebellious child our parents try to control. It can be a means of defying the controlling parent, like the first time you broke a curfew, or smoked a cigarette. It's unnerving to think this dynamic works in a relationship between two adults.

Perhaps the long and the short of it is, some people need to grow up